Settle down, for it’s about to get serious. Get a drink, maybe a cookie…and if you’re going to the kitchen I’ll have a glass of milk please.
Now I don’t know about you, but I’m a massive introvert. I was having a conversation with another blogger the other day and we were bonding over the fact that we can exist without human contact. And I really do mean WITHOUT. I could quite happily go a long long time without talking to another person, sat in my room, left to my own devices, and just generally enjoying myself, because full disclosure, I enjoy being by myself far more than being with other people. It’s cos I hate you all….JOKING!! But seriously, that’s what people think…that I hate everyone. And I don’t, not by any stretch of the imagination. I have friends, really good friends (against all the odds according to my parents) I just don’t necessarily need to see people to be happy. And one reason for this is that when you are in a room with a gathering (which is hereby used as my collective noun for people) it’s generally expected that you make some sort of conversation. and I’m TERRIBLE at it.
Quite often in my daily life someone will strike up conversation, ‘Hey, how are you?’ and I’ll reply ‘I’m good, how are you!’, then they reply with the cursory words and suddenly, as is the order of conversation, it’s my turn to speak. Oh. No. My mind is completely blank…there is silence stretching uncomfortably between us, converser and conversee (not sure if they’re even words, but THEY ARE NOW), threatening to hold us here for all of time. I am faced with two options. Either I come up with a conversation starter, or I ignore them completely. Oh how I wish I could ignore…but they’ll think I’m being rude, which I am, but not for the reason they’ll think…quick what’s a good conversation to have…I could ask what they’ve been up to…but this is my boss…that might be intrusive…quick what can I remember about them….NOTHING! I’VE GOT LITERALLY NOTHING OH GOD SOMEONE HELP WHY CAN’T I MAKE SIMPLE CONVERSATION!!!!
And breathe.
Now usually some sort of conclusion will be reached automatically, usually by the other person valiantly picking up the conversation, or by them walking away….either way I’m left with a feeling of idiocy, residual panic from the hectic internal monologue I was just having, and embarrassment because suddenly I remember that their cat/aunt/grandmother was ill/upset/dying (delete as appropriate) and I should probably have asked them about it and how they are. Now they’re going to think I’m totally insensitive. Great. I’m a robot.
And this is why I dread conversation. I have managed to narrow down why I am like this…although it took an unbelievable amount of introspection. The origin of this is a stolen idea, I’m sure we’ve all heard it, ‘we spend most of our childhoods being taught to walk and talk, and our adolescence being told to sit down and shut up.’ I lived in a particularly picky household, the ‘children should be seen and not heard’ type (although they weren’t absolutely heathens…we could make noise, just not at nice formal occasions) and I attribute the picking at me throughout my life, to my general awkwardness in adult life. I’m never quite sure how to navigate life.
And so that’s me. And we’ve reached the point where I have to now come up with some parting words. Something nice to let you know I’ve had a nice time…thing is, I’m terrible at that too, so I’ll just awkwardly bow out, and hopefully you now know why, if we ever meet, I don’t really say much. It’s because on the inside there’s an all out war going on.
Until Next Time x
The Little Book Blog 